Towards Nirvana

Kuch naye he khile phool is gulistan mein,

Anjaane hi sahi, par khusbu to aane lagi

Khwaab kuch naye sajjne lage iss dil mein,

Kisi ki muskurahat yunhi yaad aane lagi...

Well, well. I feel swamped by that old feeling again. Something that I was unsure could happen again. Maybe it's just a flash in the pan, or who knows something for the better. Anyhow, one thing's for sure, I wanna know more about Miss Intriguing smile. There's always room for a bit of risk. Risk to gain something finally worth feeling the pain for. As one of the idiots in my office once messaged : "It's completely impossible to find someone who won't ever hurt you.. So go for someone who will make the pain worthwhile..", I hope MIS is the one. ;)
BTW, all this goody goody feeling is happening because I just finished seeing a funny, moving, romantic film "Crazy Stupid Love". Films make me feel better, hands on for the romantic ones. However, they do the opposite for some others that I know. To cut the story short, this post was about this new warmth filling my heart and so I would like to end it on this note.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

This is Jo signing off for now,
Adios

A Novel Nirvana

Lamhon ke ye nazakat to dekho,
Is dard-e-dil mein phir bahaar sa aaya,
Phool aise khile he unke ke liye,
Ki ab hamaare nazaron ko koi aur na bhaaya.

For those who won't be able to decipher the above lines, here's a synopsis of the same. Look at the nuances of time that flows by, turning pain into garden, where each flower buds out for her, for there is none so worthy who could turn my gaze away from her.

Well, this is the 3rd draft for this post and yet I am unable to find words to describe my present feelings. I feel like a total idiot who knows what is it that his heart wants to say but his mind wanders about. Thinking of her face, the way she smiles and those glasses on her nose. Aaah, that's a sight to watch. What I wouldn't give to just stare at that beauty, to let her know what I feel for her. The care that seems to grow with each passing day and the anxiety of her withdrawing if that came to light. Never have I been so confused lately with what I feel and what I think. She's managed to pull out most of the stops that I had planted between her and my heart. I fear only one thing now, that I may be unable to express how much she means to me. As always, this fear of failure is chilling my spine. I wish to stop writing this for this may never see the light of the day, unless I moderate the content.

Just this one thing, she's made me look at the brighter side of life again. I wish that this angel of mine remains with me. Nothing short of a prayer, yet just a simple wish from someone who's besotted with love. As always, these words from Van Helsing, the movie, come to my rescue :
"I have no heart! I feel no love... nor fear... nor joy... nor sorrow! I am... hollow..."
It's time that I leave these words behind and begin a journey, a journey who's destination is an Angel. An "aishwaryam-olla" kutti, who is yet to know the value of her in my eyes.

This is Jo signing off,
Adios for now

Beginning of a return ?

Woh kehte hai na ki ek halki si hawa bhi kabhi phoolon ke barsaat laati hai.
Kaash yeh bhi unh phoolon jaisa hota, naazukh aur pyaari.

Still confused as to how to write down my "dil ki bhadass". Let's see kuch na kuch aa hi jaayega. Sometimes it takes the slightest of push to turn something tipsy-turvy. Well, subaah bas ek board dekh li aur gaya mera mood. Ek saffed board jis par uski company ka naam tha. Shayad woh uski company ka cab bhi nahi hoga, lekin kya kare kambhakt dil ko bas ek jhalak hi kaafi hoti hai. Aur ho gayi saari din ki tai tai phus. Na jaane kyun aaj bhi woh chehra aankhon ke saamne yunh hi aa jaata hai. Woh kehte hai na, dil ki lagi sabse zor ki lagti hai. Aaj to rone ka bhi mann kar raha hai aur hasne ka bhi. Yaadon ne to rula diya lekin brain to mazaak udda raha hai ki woh kaise abhi bhi tujhe aise touch kar sakti hai.
Is kashmokash mein to aaj saara din nikal gaya. Na thik se kaam kar paaya aur na thik se hass. Waise rona dohna bandh aur back to recollecting aaj ka din.
So another Monday comes by. Btw, I went to Mom's place this weekend after, I think around, 4~5 months. Ammachi seemed so happy to see her eldest grandson again and Maamu ki Jaan seemed his usual self. Waise, it was fun to travel in the bus from Trivandrum to Adoor. Seemed like the old days were back. Those 3 hours on Sat afternoon, magical moments that leave me wanting for more. Wind in my hair and the shaking of the KSRTC bus while keeping my nose inside some novel. Oh, this time it was JK's book for company. "Immortals of Meluha" by Amish Tripathi. Something based on Shiva, the trilogy is named as "Shiva trilogy". Turning one of the most eccentric Hindu Gods into a man of flesh and blood. Whose deeds led him to transform from an ordinary human to one of the Triune Gods. I may hurt some sentiments here with all this words, but then who cares what you think. This is my place of "F&**@*@&^" expression. Anyways, reached Adoor in like under 2.5 hours and then a bus to Mom's place, Chandanapally. A small walk home, under the moonlight... Sigh. Reached home, Ammachi was alone in the kitchen. Maamu was still at the library with his bunch of friends. Had a small chat with ammachi, then a quick dinner and after that back to Meluha. Sorry, the dinner wasn't quick enough since Bincy "aunty" and Sundar ji had to call up in between. Bincy "aunty" doesn't need to have anything in particular to call me up but Sundar was planning for another movie outing. First show of the "Second Show". Made plans to reach TVM before 6 so as to catch the movie and then back to Meluha(again).
Woke up late on Sunday, as usual, and no going to Church. Ammachi woke me up at 6 in the morning and yet I somehow excused my self from attending the Mass, half-awake. Seems like I argue better hald-awake. ;) Should try it out at office someday. Drooping head in the meeting and slurry speech. Would be one for the record books, or better videos. So back to Sunday, woke up at ~10:30 and straight to kitchen for the tea. Armed with tea and laptop, I walked into the Hall wanting to switch on the TV instead. Thought against it and started watching "It's kinda funny story" on laptop. Got bored and closed lap before switching on to Meluha. Finished up 75% by the time I had to leave for Trivandrum. A quick bath and then the rush to bus stop as usual. Speaking of the bus stop, standing there made me go on a flashback. I used spend my times in the bus-stop fighting with Spoon over SMSes while waiting for the bus to arrive. Thought of SMSing her but then hesitation. Woh kehte hai na, ki kaafi din ho gaye msg behjkar. Agar abhi bheja to kaisi lagegi, wagera wagera. So didn't msg her and spent the time doing nothing. Bus came after 20 mins of wait and then a quick drive to Adoor. Caught the first KSRTC bus to Trivandrum. It was mostly empty and so I sat on the seat opposite to the door. Got back to Meluha after paying for the ticket. Finished it up before reaching Kilimanoor, I think, and then the usual job :  mouth-watching.  In between Sundar called a few times to know where I had reached. Somehow reached the city. Called up Shekhar to transport a packet to Kani as I had to reach Ajanta for the show. After passing the Achar packet to Shekhu at PMG, I called up Sundar who said that there  was only 1 last balcony ticket which he took. Since he wasn't sure if I would reach on time, he didn't take the risk of getting two tickets. So I got down at next stop, near the Govt. Students' Hostel. Walked past the State Central Library and then a circuitous road back home. Dinner, a few chats and then a tight sleep.
Monday morning. Got up pretty early, by my standards, at ~6:45am. Next the daily activities and Run for the cab. Speaking of which, I think the cab seems to be growing smaller with every passing day. As the number of daily "regular" travelers are increasing, the size of cab seems to be decreasing. Anyhow, I managed a seat, thought of bringing out "The Fountainhead" for a quick read but gave up seeing the number of people already present. It seemed a bit of a choc-a-bloc. Reached office, and oh yes, saw Meher's company bus on the way. :P
The first mail I saw was from Arun chettan asking how we missed an important functionality for the last week's release. What a way to start off the perfect day. Anyways, replied the mail and went for breakfast. Wanted to bring back my appetite and so ordered 2 Aloo paranthas. Ate through them while sipping the rich Banglore coffee. Just thinking of it seems to make my tongue salivate. After that, back to office and a few goofing before lunch. Lunch and then back to office. The gloomy mood still stuck made work seem so boring. Thought of leaving early today and working the extra hours the next day. Anyhow, sat through till 6:15pm after which I couldn't bear the melancholy that had descended on me. Speaking of 6:15, it was the time I used to excuse my self for a water break and to watch her leave for the day.. Sigh. Ab to bas aahein barthe raho. A ride back home on JK's bike and dinner at KSRTC. That pretty much sums up for the weekends and today.

This is Jo signing off,
Adios

A quick catch-up

Kisi zubaan par yeh reh gayi,
Aap ko khoya to ruh kho gayi,
Lamho ne kuch ishaaaron se kaha,
Dekh aayi phir koi aur teri ruh lekar.

The time for the next post seems to have been shortened, thanx to an idiot's question. It has been almost a month since I reached back from Kolkata. Par kya kare, missing Mom, Dad and bhootni already. How do I tell them that I love them so much ? I can't call up every now and then, or according to some fixed timetable. I ain't that kinda guy, ki aaj Sat hai, chalo Mom ko phone karte hain, ya phir, it's 6 in the morning, oh Mom ko bulaana bhul gaya. Come on, I am kinda lazy to dial a few no.s even. Leaving that aside, I am still caught up in that web of cough and breathlessness. Thanks, but no thanks, to the Kolkata chill. Waise, it was already there by time we were done with QBurst Day celebrations. Spekaing of that, I don't how the hell I got the guts to get up on stage and shake that booty of mine. That too without even a sip of drink. Coming to drinks, last saturday was awesome. Simi got married, Jose came to Trivandrum and I got stoned pretty bad. pretty bad, in the sense that it could be said to be the repeat of "the last see-off" of the former Kani team. Anyways, got a nice scratch around the hips as a remainder. Haahaa, speaking of which, the scar is quite an irritant these days. :P

Back to track, on to a flashback. Zooming back two weeks. Me suffering from the cough and breathing problem. Couldn't eat or drink anything that Saturday. It was kinda Vaalu season for me. Eat, cough and vomit. Nice rhyming, almost makes me do a Y this Kolaveri right now. A mental note, need to parody the Kolaveri to something more adultish. Focus, machu focus. So had to go to Jubilee hospital for the "dava daaru". Makes me remember the MTV ad in which they search for actors. One of the lines was "Isse dava ki nahi, dua ki zaroorat hai". Can't help smiling at those faces, waah I still remember. Sabaash bacche, kaash yeh yaddaash exams ke time par bhi hoti. :P Anyways, got a blood checkup done. Forgot the most important thing. We, me, Achar and Sundar, went to the hospital at 10 in the night. "10 in the night". Mast time for move around in the city. Sunsaan raaste, akele kuch ladke aur beech mein aaye ek awaaz. "Allah ke naam par kuch de de baba". Just kidding, nothing of that sort happended sadly. Got to the hospital, me having the cough attack at regular intervals and they making fun of the "TB paitient". Saw the doc, she ordered a blood test first and then a small initial checkup. Well, speaking of the blood test, I was the guinea pig for the night. There was this new nurse for the shift. She actually tried piercing one of my smaller veins or was it an artery for drawing blood. Well, it had to be the vein otherwise, I would have bleed a bit more than usual. Anyhow, another sister had to come up to take the blood and the results would have been generated only after an hour or so. So we made our way out of the hospital for a cup of coffee and something to eat. Ash and Sundar had some food, while I had my first taste of black tea, or was it not. Don't remember if what we used to have from the Arabic restaurent at 7th floor was tea or coffee. Moving foward, the results came and I was prescribed a bit of medicines. The cost of which was around 350~400 bucks, my hard earned money down the medicinal drain. :((. And yes, the drip. I had the first drip of my life. The hanging bottle of liquid and those white clean ceilings, waah what a way to spend time in the hospital. Waise, the drip took around 2 hours to complete. Raat ke 1 baje, before I could move back home. So ends the flash-back.

Back to present and the Republic day. Speaking of Republic Day, last time it was a pseudo-patriotic post from my side. This time not even a mention of patriotism. Waah, kya baat hai. Anyways, got up late as usual and had a late, real late brunch. Lots of chatting on YMessenger and then the rush to catch the movie. Sundar was here in the morning. Dude came over to study but alas, my place is/was such a mess that he left after some time. Had a small chit-chat and some plans for a movie. I wasn't excepting that the dude would actually go for it. Anyways, scrolling to evening, got a call from Sundar saying he was going for the movie. How could I refuse the dude, he's been my steady movie partner since I landed back for the "Job" in Trivandrum. Next call from him was saying that he was at the theater and that the tickets would be easily available. I should smelt something amiss right then. But kya kare, I don't follow my intuition any longer these days. A small break. Just checked mail and it seems the Buzzbuzz guys have pulled off something great again. Saw a Kudos which seems just the thing for them.

Now back to my schedule :P. The movie was Lal-e-ton's Cassanova. Well, I made it just in time before the movie started. 6pm and I was still at PMG. 6:15, there I was right beside Sundar waiting for the movie to begin. Must have been my lucky-or was it unlucky- streak. Anyways, Lalettan looks lot younger, thanx to all that makeup. The funny thing was that, when He and Shreya stood together, it didn't seem like Appoopan and Kochumol. ;). Anyways, the movie is masala entertainer, not some solid script movie. You can enjoy the songs, the chase sequences, even the funny dance by Mr. Ton at the disco. After the movie, it was the long walk back to home. Right beside the flyover and thru Bakery junction. Speaking of which, this was supposed to be the Thank-You post. Bcoz each thing that I felt while walking was like a thank-you to the One above, to my parents and last, but not the least, to all mu pain-in-the-ass friends. Maybe I should wind up this post now since it is already more than a page long. :P

This is Jo signing off for now,
Adios

Days in Kolkata

So much to add, yet so lazy to write.. :P

It's almost 6 days in Kol, and I'm yet to meet my classmates. Going on small recap for the last few days.
Day I
Landed at 2:30 in the afternoon, waited for around half an hour so that Pops and Mom would pick me up. Came home, met Kaku(Sultan uncle) and family. Kusum seems to have grown up so much. BTW, she was unable to recognize me, thanks to the "not-so-wonderful" mustache that I had grown over the last 2 weeks. Anyways, had to shave it off because of Mom's wish. Went to Church for the pre-Christmas services. Adding to all this, it was damn cold when I landed. People were saying 24th was the coldest day of the week till now.. :(. So attended a service in Church after, I think, 3 or 4 months. Oh yes, at church, I fell asleep standing twice or thrice. Came back to senses when I was like gonna fall. The "kick", as they said in Inception. Now what could I do, when you get up at 4 in the morning and catch only a few naps in the flight. Came back home and had to sleep early for the next day. ;)
Day II
Mom woke me up at 4 again. But then, when was I gonna straighten up. Got up from bed at 4:30 and then a hurried bath. Freezing temperatures and I get to pour cold water on my face. Anyways, Mom to the rescue. She made some hot water for the bath. Oh yes, I was finally able to breathe out "smoke", like in the old school days. So after the "quick" bath, got dressed and went to church with mom, dad and sis. Ya, even my Bhootni is in town for the Christmas holidays. Attended the service with a few "kicks" in between/ Had to meet up Achan. He's related from my Mom's side, as if there was any dearth of religious officials in the family. Came back home, had breakfast and then straight to bed. Aaah, missing those moments already. When we used to come from Church, have lunch and then straight to bed. Waking up to watch F1 races on the TV. Screech, reality check.. Woke up at around 5pm, almost 8 hours of sleep in the afternoon, no wonder I never knew how 25th passed away so quick. Anyways, Mom was ready with chicken and roti for dinner. Speaking of Christmas dinner, the wine bottle that I bought is still unopened. Hoping to open it before the year end.
Day III
Monday was the day for shopping. Mom was already geared up to finish up all the shopping before hand this time. She made sure that all our shopping lists were ready before we left. Bought slippers for Mom, Dad, Bhootni and me. Also, wallet for Sundar and myself. Another thing in mind was Bhootni's new cell. Her cell was stolen on her birthday. Poor thing, went for writing exam and by the time,she was back, someone had stolen her cell. Got her a new cell, Nokia C2-03, and also one for Pops, Samsung (not sure of the model). That was real unexpected for me, buying Dad a mobile. Anyways, bought all those stuff and came to Khidderpore. Dad had another plan in mind. A family photo for all time sake. So we were off in different directions, me and dad for buying paneer while mom and bhootni went off for buying other stuff. Met up in front of studio, then the photo session. After that, bought a parcel of veg chow for the whole family and then back to home, sweet home.
Day IV
Dad was supposed to get Bhootni's DD on 2nd. Made him go to the bank on Tuesday itself. Was a blessing in disguise, as the bank is supposedly on strike for 2nd Jan. Anyways, made our, Me and Dad, to Dad's office area. The banks are all situated there, wishing that no one from office saw Dad roaming there. Dad's on a 2 month hiatus. He met a small accident at church, burnt a bit of his skin in boiling water just for fun. Anyways, he's got a variable BP now, thanks to that accident. :P A cholestrol check shows his count to be on the higher side. Seems like masti ke din are over for Pops. He's stopped smoking, something good finally. So since he supposed to be at home, recovering, a sighting would be so disasterous. So somehow, we managed to navigate thru those streets and get the things done until we were ready to go home. Met one of the office staff on our way out of the place. :P Now that's too good a luck but then, people understand and so dad's safe for now. Came back home after having some veg chow for lunch. BTW, Dad's not allowed to have oily food and so this is the last time he's gonna have that with me around.
Day V
Mom and Dad came up with the wonderful idea of going to Bandel church. It seems like a routine now, to visit Bandel Church when I'm in town. So another early morning rising, by my standards, at 8. Another round of quick freshening up and then off to station for catching the Bandel local. Thankfully, the train was 10 mins late and so we didn't have to wait much. Reached Bandel, caught an auto to the church and reached in 10 mins. The sight was shocking as the place was overrun with people, far more than I ever expected. Some of them seemed to be out for tour, busy posing and snapping up pictures. Even I was gonna snap up a few pictures, but seeing this, I gave up. Next in line was to buy candles. Mom, Dad and Bhootni went inside the room where candles were being sold while I stood outside. Watched so many people moving in and out that I was starting to wonder if this was the wrong place. Because, the last time I was here, there were roughly 50 people in the whole premises. The atmosphere, back then, was so calm and conducive to praying. All the present hustle bustle left my mood all F&@*@#^ up. I was now going thru the motions with Mom and Dad. Lighted candles. said a silent prayer and moved on to the next place. Felt so "dhongi" type, that I am unable to explain the crawling in my skin. Somehow, I lasted thru the whole exercise without shouting "WTF" out loud. Even had our lunch just ouside the church compound, as in every trip we made for the past 20 years, i think. Came back home and then went to Smitha chechi's house. Her Dad's ex-military, so we buy food stuffs thru him. Landed at their place at 7:30, i think, and had a long chat, or should I say Dad had a long chat. Till mom called on my cell, at around 8:30. On the way back home, picked up 3 packets of veg chow, for mom, bhootni and me. Oh, don't worry, that was just a gap filler. I had a few more chappattis after that for dinner.. :P
Day VI
Woke up late today as there wasn't much planned. However, Mom had to go to church as part of her responsilibities. She is supposed to help with the Church dispensary for today and tomorrow. And then, me and dad went to BSNL office to get the EVDO card. It was quite a hassle, believe me. Spent around 3 hours for a job that would have taken only 1 hour at the most. On top of that, the first card they gave had "FAULTY" written on top of it. Had to show it specifically to get it replaced. WTF. Anyways, got it replaced and came back home. Dad had to go for checkup for his variable BP and so Mom and Dad left for the doctor's place. Meanwhile, after lunch, i went upstairs to relive a few memories. Met a few old friends and came back downstairs. And finally, this entry happened..

This is Jo signing off,
Adios.